I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
