my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
