Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
