Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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