Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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