i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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