We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Say something about gay babies.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
