it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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