what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
