UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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