You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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