Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
