I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is Oprah even human
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
