dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
