Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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