1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
false alarm. still invincible.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
