She went from zero to smokin in five shots
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Maybe he injected his testicle?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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