I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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