you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
