new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
