she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
