If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
