i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
