When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
