shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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