Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
