My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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