when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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