why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is wine microwaveable?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
