I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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