He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
