the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize