I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
