she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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