I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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