You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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