Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
