in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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