I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
