Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
