Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
