I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
