You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
