Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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