I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
