So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
