Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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