Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I touched a dick in church today
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize