Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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