you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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