I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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