I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
