I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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