You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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