she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
