I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
