i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize