i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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