Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
