You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
