at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
