i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
3pm strippers are depressing
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
