you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
