I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
