I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We need a shit load of segways right now
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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