well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize