Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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