There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm too high and old for this...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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