His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
