On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
